How and Why I Came Back to God
When I was 12, my mom opened up a book about Jesus. She turned the pages as we read together. Here’s How and Why I Came Back to God.
It was my first experience learning who Jesus was. . .
I was very excited to learn about him.
I remember my innocence and excitement about Heaven and asked my mom about Heaven.
After that day, I don’t remember talking about jesus much, and our family was turned upside down when I broke into my best friend’s house when I was 14.
That was kind of like the moment when the Serpent entered our household and sliced our family into sections.
My parents became quieter, and I disappeared into my room to get lost in the sounds of defiant heavy metal.
A Christian Revival Concert
When I was 18, my friend who was worse than I was, became a born-again Christian, and he took me to a Christian revival concert.
I could feel a very powerful uplifting spirit in the room.
But, from then on after the concert, the pull towards alcohol and drugs was stronger.
From 20 years old to 36 years old, I was blacked out drunk every night, except for a couple months of sobriety here and there.
God seemed to be waiting for me, or helping me create a story that could change the life of others.
I was a very selfish man who was mean to his girlfriends, but too cowardly to be mean to men.
I took my anger out on my drumset and listened to heavy metal as loud as I could.
Anger seemed like a weapon I could use to destroy everyone, but it only backfired and made me self-destruct.
When I was 32 I had a heart-attack, but thought it was a fluke and drank only more.
In my delusional state, I thought the alcohol was preventing me from having another heart-attack because “alcohol thinned the blood and made my heart work easier.”
My heart ached constantly and my face turned white and red at the same time because of the heart meds.
Then Sobriety Knocks. . .
I finally had enough and quit cold-turkey when I was 36.
I thought all my problems were solved.
I lived on a pink cloud for two years just because I was proud of being sober.
But, sobriety alone wore off.
Three years into sobriety I had a panic attack in front of my parents which led to having social anxiety around people.
I didn’t feel safe anymore, even in my own skin.
The past was catching up to me and I had no coping skills whatsoever.
The last time I sat still and was sober was 20 years ago.
I used alcohol in any and every situation, even at my jobs.
I could drink 8 beers while flipping burgers and no one noticed, at least I thought.
Even though I had been sober almost four years, I hid from the world.
I had never had a sober dinner with friends.
I don’t even remember having dinner with friends at all.
So, the dinner table was like a stage for someone who has stage fright.
Instead of demon alcohol wrecking my life, I was being destroyed by my own lack of faith and trust.
I also subconsciously hated myself for all the drama I caused with my drinking, although at the time of drinking I thought I was rebellious and cool.
The Shaman and the Spirit
My wife was learning to become a Western Shaman/energy healer.
We went to Peru and did Ayahuasca.
The people were so beautiful there and heart-based.
I felt empty there because my aim in life at that point was to make enough money so I wouldn’t have to deal with people anymore.
When we got home, I couldn’t stop thinking how peaceful I felt in Peru, and the self-love everyone had.
I was still enslaved to social anxiety and felt like I had no personality anymore.
I was afraid to reveal any part of myself to others.
I was almost too scared to laugh or show any range of emotion.
L.O.V.E from Brian Head Welch
Then, one night I was listening to heavy music again, but this time it was from a Christian rocker who was the guitarist for Korn, Brian Welch.
He was into meth and played very dark music.
He still played intense music but it was for Jesus now. It wasn’t corny at all though.
His song L.O.V.E came on and I listened to the words.
I usually listen to the drums and guitar, but I really listened to his words this time.
He spoke as Jesus in the song and when he sang “Stop your running and come back to me.”
I broke down.
I began to cry uncontrollably.
It felt like I had so much weight on my shoulders from running my entire life.
Jesus spoke through Brian and I cried uncontrollably for an hour.
My heart felt like it was pouring out love that I had tried blocking out for most of my life.
I felt raw, and I think I felt saved.
I didn’t have to run anymore.
Jesus was home in my heart.
No more running.
Thanks for reading. Please comment below if you have had an awakening of some sort.